Encouraging Words that Don't Encourage

Have people ever tried to encourage you but missed the mark, perhaps leaving you less encouraged?

Last week my book was rejected by a major publisher. Although I knew it was a longshot, deep inside I hoped that God would move them to accept it. Christian publishing is in crisis, and few publishers risk new authors without a built-in following (mega-church pastor, blogger with thousands of readers). My faith knows that God can overcome such obstacles but trusts his plan. His greater will is that I look like Jesus, perhaps involving a lot of rejections.

After receiving the news, I contacted people who have prayed with me about the book. Their responses varied, but my favorite was “Oh pooh!” When we experience disappointment, pain, or loss, it is validating when others mirror our feelings. Expressions of sorrow and disappointment were salve to my wounds.

Although I appreciate every heart-felt response, some of them weren’t quite as uplifting as intended. (My disappointment was minor compared to true hardships, but similar comments either encourage or not.) What kinds of remarks were less than encouraging?

LOOK AT THE FACTS: My son thought data would help (typical male)—“JK Rowlings was rejected numerous times.” I loved his intentions, but facts don’t help feelings. Jesus wept with those grieving over Lazarus' death although he knew that he was about to raise him from the dead. 

YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON: My mother said that God will provide a publisher because I was such a good girl growing up. Her response was very sweet, but not theologically accurate. Such thinking suggests our goodness entitles us to get what we want from God, whether it’s really best for his kingdom and his will or not.

SCRIPTURES: Several messages were the opposite—true but not helpful. Some verses may help while other don't. In general, it’s safer to express that you hurt with the sufferer and are praying for God’s best.
 

It’s often difficult to know what to say, and I have often said the wrong thing. From experience I have learned to simply express my sorrow and extend my presence and my prayers.

God gives us the best guideline: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15).

What have you experienced?